Growing up I believed that there was no God. I guess you can say I was atheist, but I didn’t have the desire to disprove God’s existence, I just didn’t see the evidence of His existence in my life. My dad left my three other siblings and I when I was a year and two months old. Then when I was about four years old, we got separated from my mom. We had to go live with my grandma while my mom was trying to get her feet grounded. While living with my grandma and her husband, my siblings and I endured a lot of harsh and unspeakable treatment. That moment in time really shaped the direction of my life. When I was eight I moved to Austin with my mom and siblings. So by the time I was nine years old, I started smoking weed. By eleven I added cigarettes and by thirteen I was drinking. I had always had the feeling of something missing, and my earliest memories were already distorted with depression and anxiety. I needed to fill that void but obviously had no way of knowing how. Substance abuse was not seen as wrong in my family. I grew up around my uncles, aunts, cousins, and friends all using different kinds of drugs. So to me, it made sense to try to use drugs as a way to cope. But it lead to a life style that almost ended my existence. I got bullied a lot growing up, all the way up in to high school and then I started using Xanax. By this point I was drinking heavily to the point I would black out. The Xanax didn’t help with that at all because mixed with alcohol, it would not only cause me to black out but not remember things. When I got to about the age of sixteen or so, I was hanging out with a couple of friends doing my usual partying when I blacked out and woke up to next to a guy that I didn’t know. That was the pivotal moment in my life where I realized that something was wrong. That spiraled me into suicidal tendencies because I couldn’t face who I had become. When I look back on that moment and reflect, anyone with a head on their shoulders would see that as a reason to sober up and get it together, but it only lead to uncontrollable depression. After that moment I would find myself in situations like that more often. I always say that drinking and drug abuse brings out a side of yourself that you will hate. It messes up your judgement and you become victim to sin. Every guy after that would only get that person. I always wanted to say no, but I never felt like I could. So I wouldn’t. But every time I looked in the mirror, more of me was gone. Have you ever seen a broken mirror in person? All the pieces are shattered. So badly that even if you attempted to put the pieces together, you wouldn’t even know where to start. It wasn’t until around the age of twenty two that I had a mental breakdown. I went into my room and destroyed it. I broke everything. As I looked around at the room completed demolished, I cried out for help. I’m not going to act like I started praying to God, but I believe that my brokenness reached His ears in heaven. For the first time the drugs couldn’t numb the void anymore. I needed more. So one night I was up late looking videos on YouTube and I came across a video about how the music industry uses satanic rituals for their music. You have to remember guys, I did not believe in God, so I did not believe in the devil. But when I came across that video I remember thinking. If there is a devil, then there is surely a God. That thought never left me. I went to bed that night and I prayed my first prayer. “God if your real, I need you to show me.” And then I went to sleep. The VERY NEXT DAY my aunt showed up with a bible that she found in the trash. She said she wasn’t sure why she picked it up but wanted to know if I wanted it. I said yes. As I started examining the pages I realized that it was not only a bible but a study bible! I love telling people about the time God gave me my first bible, because I know that He did. I still have it to this day. From the moment God gave me my bible, I ran with it. It was my most prized possession. It was confirmation that He heard my prayer. I found a church, got baptized in Jesus name and got delivered from drugs and EVERYTHING else. I was a new creation. Jesus filled my void. I received the Holy Spirit and the veil was removed from my eyes. I saw sin for the first time. That moment in time is my most cherished time with the Lord. I spent every moment of my day seeking his guidance, listening for His voice and growing in a deeper love and understanding of Him. But I wasn’t rooted in Him yet, so when my first test came, I was easily uprooted. I met a guy and when it came down to me living a life that honored God or committing a sin against my own body (sex) I choose the guy. I believed that he was he one God had for me, but I slowly learned that was just the enemy waiting for the perfect opportunity to sneak in. I found out he cheated on me, so I left him but by then my heart was hardened and I couldn’t feel or hear God. Which lead to a five year back slide that almost ended my life. I picked up all of my old chains and put them back on. One thing you will always hear me say is, “not believing in God is not the worst pain you will experience, its having God and walking away that will create a void so deep, so painful, only God Himself can heal it.” Not only did the drug abuse come back, but the depression and anxiety welcomed me with open arms. I met another guy (my husband now) that was just as broken as I was. He was fighting his own demons. See, I grew up in a household that didn’t know God and he grew up in a household that did. He was the lost sheep. Together we were the perfect storm! Three months into our fling, I ended up pregnant! I was crippled with fear that my kid would grow up the same way I did. In a broken home. So I made a vow that I would make it work with Johnpaul (my husband now) no matter what! You know what they say though, just look at the direction your partner is headed and just know that your headed in the same direction as them. We were headed straight to hell. By the time I had my second child (yes, you read that right) I picked up Johnpaul’s cocaine addiction. I looked forward to the weekends because I knew I was going to party the pain away. I needed something because by this point, I couldn’t leave my room out of fear of dying. I was loosing my mind. The drugs didn’t fix it, but it helped me not to dwell on it until I was sober again. It wasn’t until one night when I was “coming down” from my high and everyone was asleep that I hit my breaking point. I remember that night so vividly because my sin, my failures, my fears were all I could hear that night. I was laying in bed looking at my son’s crib and tears flooded my eyes. “How did I get here? How did I go one day from laying in bed talking to God like He was my best friend, to this?” So I asked myself, “what would be worse? Living one more day like this, or my family waking up to me dead in the bathroom?” It was definitely living one more day like this. I had decided to end my life. I was done. I got to a point where even my thoughts were silent and I just sat in darkness about to get up and grab one of Johnpaul’s guns from the closet, when I heard the voice of God speak to me after five years. He whispered to me, ” Do you remember when you didn’t feel like this? Come find me at church.” Then like a movie in my mind, God took me back to when I got saved and all the events that led me to getting saved and delivered and I wept. I wanted that. My life depended on it. So two days later I went to a church that Johnpaul had took me to earlier in our relationship and I sat all the way in the back. I carried all of my pain into that church with me and told God, “Here I am God.” And as I said that, I heard Pastor Roy Cisneros speak and say, “This is your come back year, God is going to restore everything you lost.” I went up to the altar after service and knelled down. I told God all that I had been through and everything I was struggling with. I told Him that my life depended on His help. I needed Him to intervene. God revealed to me that I already had a God, and it was Johnpaul and I couldn’t serve both. So I told God that even if I lost my family, I would follow Him. But my words were not empty this time, because my mind was made up. I felt his peace and grace come over me at the altar and I was delivered AGAIN. I stood up and went home and told Johnpaul that I was living for God now and if he stepped in my way that I was going to leave him. I stopped living in sin, stopped sleeping with him and was on the verge of moving out. I knew I wasn’t married and I couldn’t honor God like that, so Johnpaul decided that we should get married so that I can be right in the eyes of God. Shortly after we got married, Johnpaul got saved and sinners4christ was birthed in 2016. They say that some of the best ministries are created out of the pit that God delivered you from. I would have to say I agree. This blog was created for two reasons, one to display the faithfulness of God, but also to encourage those who lost their way to come back. The passage that God wrote on my heart is Psalms 116. Its when David got delivered from death. It says that when he cried out to God, He he bent down to listen and that he will pray as long as he has breath. God bent to listen to me and to this day He still does. So I will pray to Him as long as I am breathing. This blog is to glorify God. Its about one persons journey to the cross, to redemption and to the unfailing love of Christ. So subscribe to sinners4christ if you want to journey with me. God bless you.
Cynthia M. Benavides 