As I reflected today on His wisdom, I was reminded of a time when I was convinced that when my time ran out here on earth, that I’d be haunted with many regrets. But as I write this today, I have only one.
That I didn’t pray for wisdom sooner.
To admit that fills me with sorrow, because what I am really admitting is my regret of not having reverence for His authority.
The Bible says that fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. (Proverbs 9:10) Which only means that once you have the understanding that we not only acknowledge but submit to Jesus’s authority, that’s when everything else will fall into order.
Sadly, it takes a long time for us to understand that we don’t give God authority over anything, everything is His already, but discerning that true freedom only comes through surrender to it. We believe that a sinner’s prayer and a heart that believes in Him is enough, never coming to the truth that although His grace is sufficient, our faith is still dead without the work that comes from the Holy Spirit.
Wisdom proves that our perspective on free will has deceived us. We believe that having wings and the ability to fly makes us free, but wisdom exposes the truth, that a caged bird can still only fly as far as his cage allows. It’s only when the birds are let out of captivity that they are truly free.
I heard somewhere that it’s scientifically proven that you can’t feel sad & happy at the same time. With wisdom, I’ve come to know that gratitude is laced with grief. Because you can’t know one without the other. I’ve sat in places filled with laughter & praises that can rattle walls but is still only a whisper in comparison to how loud a lost soul cries out for freedom.
I’ve witnessed talented musicians sing words beautifully, but I’ve come to learn that noise is still noise, no matter what instrument is used. Although the noise may sound great, it’s the anointing that shifts the atmosphere.
You see, there’s a great deal deceiving us, not only as followers of Christ but also as humanity. It weighs heavily on my soul.
And although I can finally understand why we should give thanks continually for our salvation, I equally understand now, that in the same measure, sorrow pours out for those who might not come to know it. Because when I imagine how loud the heavens thunder with rejoice for one salvation, in the same measure God’s heart grieves the one still lost.
I understand now why Paul pleaded to God to be cursed if it meant his people could be saved.
The only way I know to explain how I feel is when I look at the cross. For every follower of Christ, the cross consumes us with gratitude. It’s because of what Jesus did on that cross that we get to take part in His promise & be reconciled to God, yet His sacrifice will always be stained with grief because we know that our wickedness was the reason our Lord had to die. Because although He may be 1st in our life now, it’s the knowledge of the life we lived without Him, that produces that gratefulness. Not our love.
Is it the bliss of our ignorance that we feel when we can’t yet comprehend the magnitude of our sin, or is it simply His mercy? Because I now know that even the smallest desire to sin against Him is felt in every chamber of our heart. It’s glorious & tragic all at the same time.
I know it’s His grace that allows me to increase in the understanding of who He is, but it’s His wisdom that reminds my flesh, that my works only proved that I was never worthy. It keeps my flesh humble, so that no part of me dares take credit. Those wear humility like a badge of honor, yet it’s been a thorn to me; a constant reminder, of all the pride in me that had to die to gain it. Will my heart ever know joy without the shadow of grief?
As I reflect on wisdom with a heart of gratitude, a side of me still knows it won’t matter how much God allows me to increase in knowledge, the growth will always be tainted by the time I spent idle. For all those who pray earnestly for wisdom, pray equally that He prepares your heart to receive all in which you are asking.
Because “for in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increase in knowledge increases in sorrow.” – Ess 1:17-18
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