Without a doubt in my mind , I know that I love my husband. 2 years married now, and going on 8 years together, its been quite a journey. Like most, we have our ups and downs, but we have finally come to an understanding of who Christ is in our marriage. And by God’s mercy and grace our marriage is sustainable only because Christ is 1st in not only my heart, but in my husband’s as well.
I wish I could say that it has always been this way but honestly it hasn’t always been. At one point my husband was my God and I put him before everything else. He affected my mood, my ways, how I treated others and if we were not happy together it weighed on me heavily. The more I poured into our relationship the more and more I saw us drowing and the less I had to give. I put my whole heart and soul into fixing something that I was never capable of fixing in the first place.
Around this time I was dying spiritually. I had already been on a 5 year back slide but now I was addicted to drugs and anxiety ridden. My whole life was falling apart. Including my relationship with Johnpaul. I no longer had any desire to live. I still remember the night that God had finally spoke to me after 5 years! I had made up my mind that I was no longer going to live. I didn’t want this life and I couldn’t live another day imprisoned in my mind. But the Lord reminded me of how I felt when I was 1st saved. It’s almost like He asked me if I remembered who He was and who I was when I served Him. He put it my heart to go back to Church and find Him there. So instead of taking my life, I made choice to go find the Lord.
When I stood at the altar and I pleaded with the Lord to free me, the Holy spirit revealed something else to me. He told me that Johnpaul was 1st in my heart and I had to choose who I would serve. He showed me that I was not capable of fixing myself and was no where near able to fix anything in my life. And just like I chose to go find the Lord, I chose to put Him first even if it meant I would loose everything including Johnpaul. I promised God that I would hold onto Jesus no matter what. That He was the only thing sustaining me.
Sometimes we fail to realize that God isn’t first in our lives or in our hearts. And we don’t realize that we make God’s of everything. After I recommitted my life to God and put Him back in His rightful place not only did He restore my life, but He healed my spirit and renewed my mind. Shortly after Johnpaul and I got married and He redeemed our whole relationship. My husband is now saved and pursuing his rap ministry with TOK, testifying about God and His saving grace. Its true what God’s word says, you can’t serve two masters. You have to pick one, and till this day I thank God that I picked Him.