If I have ever avoided a topic to write about more, MARRIAGE is it. Not because I’ve only been married 5 years and that disqualifies me from speaking on it or anything. But mostly because marriage is one of those topics you never quite master. It’s not one of those things you conquer or overcome. What I will say though, marriage has a way of revealing a lot about yourself.
Before I get to the topic at hand, let me give a little background for you. I have been married one month shy of 5 years. I’m sure that there are others more qualified to speak on marriage. There are plenty of veterans 15 or even 30 years in. Sorry to disappoint you. I may not be there in years, but I can stand next to the best of them in experiences and lessons learned. God has walked me through, a worldly marriage, drug abuse, physical and emotional abuse (both ways) adultery, suicide, one person in church and the other in the world, unstable parents, shame, deception, and that was just the first year. So, if anyone has something to say, its me.
But as a disclaimer, I am in no way going to bash my husband. I could easily write this message from the point of view that most would expect, which Is the husband Is the problem and we (the wives) are here picking up all the pieces. And I say that only because at one point I had that mentality. And the more I tried to force my marriage to work from my understanding, the more it started falling apart. I think God showed me grace only because I want to be a woman whose desire is to please God. I knew that if I didn’t submit myself to God and his plan for my marriage, I was going to screw it up. I mean I was doing such a great job at that already.
So, I’m not writing to just any wife, I’m writing to the wife whose desire is to please the Lord. One who wants to step up to the calling of not only marriage, but to the calling of a wife and helper. I am not ashamed to tell you that if that is not where you heart is at, then this message is not for you. But if you can humble yourself, get ready to have your spiritual eyes opened to truth.
I have attempted to write this blog many times, but never have been able to. There are so many things I could write about, but I feel like I would rabbit trail a million times without getting to the point. So, I told myself before starting this that I would only write about a few things, and if the opportunity presents itself later continue to write about other topics relating to marriage.
First thing I wanted to shine the light on is something I feel like a lot of wives don’t understand. And that is that your husband was not meant to complete you. What do you mean Cynthia, I thought when we get married, we are one? Yes, that is true. When you get married you are now one, but that doesn’t mean your spouse can do what God does for you. If your expecting your husband to give you peace, joy and happiness, expecting him to fill empty voids or make you a better person, you have an unachievable expectation for him. And now he will only let you down. ONLY God gives peace, joy and happiness. ONLY God can fill voids and change you for the better. Until you can understand that only God can complete you, your husband will always fall short. Which isn’t fair to him, because we are all so imperfect. Once you except that neither one of you were ever capable of completing each other, together you two can go to the source that completes all things; GOD.
Second thing I wanted to talk about is what marriage really is. It’s a representation of how God loved the church (us). So, when I try to understand that it always brings me back to one scripture and that is 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 which states that love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. This is the standard that I hold myself to. Not my husband, but MYSELF. I want to be this representation of love to my husband. Because even if we think they are not worthy of that because they fall short. Then we are unworthy of that love also. But the thing about God though, He loves us like this regardless if we measure up or not. And that’s the real thing we need to learn. Is to love regardless. God loves us by showing grace, forgiveness and patience (like a lot of patience) so if we want to reflect Him in this area, let’s attempt to that way.
And lastly, take a moment to reflect on your husband. And don’t just think of how cute he is either ladies! But really reflect on who he is. This was something I learned to do over time, because it was always easier to speak on things that I disliked about him. Especially when I was upset with him. So, I started praying for God to reveal all the things that He loves about him. To allow me to see my hubby the way He did. And I just started writing them out. Then I would speak those things out loud. I would tell my husband the things I loved most about him. Like now, I’m always telling him how compassionate and loving he is, and it makes him want to be that person more. Why? Because they want to be someone you love. One thing I learned so far, is what ever you speak over him, comes out. If you speak death, death comes. If you speak life, then life comes. And remember wives, that laundry list of things you dislike about him, he has one of you too. So, don’t walk around like he’s the problem, when you have horrible qualities also. Shine the light on them and really work on them, because your husband is worth that effort.
I really struggled with all these things in the beginning of my marriage, and much more. Doesn’t matter how many years you are in, if you can’t humble yourself, your marriage has a funny way of doing it. There are so many things I can write on dealing with marriage, and can be here ALL day. But before I end this blog I want to share one piece of advice that I received a long time ago that I hold on till this very day is this “your partner is not your enemy. Stop fighting each other and fight together, because the real enemy is Satan.” Once you understand that, everything else will all make sense. Pray for your marriage, guard your marriage and be thankful for the struggles. If you don’t let the trials conquer you, they will make you guys stronger.
Cynthia M. Benavides 