My relationship with God…

If I had to compare MY relationship to God, It would probably best be compared to a roller coaster. There is twists and turns. It goes up and down. It speeds up and slows down. Its exhilarating and terrifying. Somewhat predictable but the feeling is always different than the expectation. I’m always scared to get on the ride. But super proud and grateful that I did when it stops. Some days my relationship with God is on fire. Just lead me to a bunch of non-believers and I will tell them everything I have learned so far. Then other days, I just want to be alone. I don’t understand a lot of things about Christ like I thought I did. I have those good days, where I can pray myself out of anything. And other days where I can’t hear God through all the devils lies. I cry to types tears now. Tears of joy, when I think of how God didn’t leave me in that broken down; defeated place and tears of sorrow that I can’t seem to get myself together to repay him for what hes done. I have fear I never knew of before. I’m scared for God to turn his back on me. I’m scared that my family wont every know him for who he is. That I might never get to either. I’m scared of my children growing up worldly. Never knowing God at all. I’m scared of not being sincere about words that I speak when it’s about God. I’m scared when I can’t tell the difference between a warning from God or a lie from the devil. Sometimes I’m scared to write from the very heart he gave me, because I have corrupted it over the years. I’m scared to go off of my own understanding, and that I’m not strong in faith enough to know the difference. But most importantly I’m scared to go back to the very place God showed me mercy and brought me out of.  I always knew this path would be difficult but truth is I didn’t understand the severity of it. As my faith grows, different test happen also. Will I stand firm in my beliefs? Or will I lay down defeated? Will I share what God has done for me? Or will I doubt and stay silent? Will I be a conqueror today? Or will I be conquered? Everyday is a new battle for me. But I pray. I pray when I’m scared and I pray when I’ve had too much of my own thoughts.  I pray as though It has already to given to me. I say thank you God because I know that he wont leave me here. I know that he will come just in time. And I also know that in my weaknesses I am made strong. If you really knew what God dragged me out of, you would understand why I continue to ride this roller coaster. It’s because I have faith that God will get me off. Yes, some days I have doubts. Some days I can’t tell the difference between up and down. And some days I don’t even want another day because I can’t bare the thought of letting him down again. But there is not ONE day that I have not heard about Him. Not one day that I don’t hear or see his love for me. Everyday is a battle field. Are you prepared for war?

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