Once upon a time there was a little girl. Growing up it was a dark and lonely place. One of her earliest memories was dreaming about being in the sky, laying down on clouds and imaging how it would be looking down at the world. She didn’t know why she longed to be up there, but it was her earliest desire. Shortly after, she had to go away. She went to her grandma’s with her siblings. She was too young at the time to understand why, but she wasn’t too small to feel alone. Her mom had to make a way for them, because her dad was never there. That was the first time she asked herself how come no one cares? It didn’t take long for her to realize that life in that home was not going to be easy. Strict discipline and bad things were happening…things that should never be done….That was the first time she heard about this “God.” They made her go to classes, say prayers she didn’t understand. She would lay up late at night and ask herself if that “God” was real, why doesn’t He care? After what seemed like a life time, her mom finally came back. She was off to a big city to be far away from there. But like before, it didn’t take long for her to realize she had left one lonely place, just to arrive at another. Then anger built up inside. Who is this God that lets you suffer? The more she grew the more hate manifested against a God that she didn’t even know. It wasn’t long until a void was so deep inside, her soul wept. That was the first time she heard the lies…”No one loves you.” “No one cares about you.” “Your going to feel this way your whole life.” She wanted the voice to stop. She wanted to go away. She was 9 years old the first time she smoked marijuana, and 13 years old when she started drinking. When the voice was so loud, she would try to drown it out. But the only thing dying was her soul. By the time she hit her teens she wrestled with anger, loneliness, hatred and a broken spirit. All through her teen years she would curse God. By the time she was 18 she added shame, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual immorality, liar and just about every other shameful sin. She was a lost cause. The more things she added to her soul only brought other things. Anxiety, depression, thoughts of self harm. Surely, she was broken beyond repair. Then one day she was scrolling through the internet and watching crazy videos on YouTube. She sees this video that changed her whole life…It wasn’t about God, it was about Satan. She thought to herself: “If there is a devil, than surely there is a God.” Maybe the God she heard about when was younger, was real. She turned the computer off and thought, if only she had a bible, then went to sleep. The very next morning her aunt stopped by and said she had found a “study bible” in the trash and wanted to know if she would like it. After all, it was a perfectly good one. Coincidence? Maybe. She started going to church, excepted Jesus into her heart and she was on her spiritual journey. In the beginning it was beautiful, Jesus transformed her heart and filled her void and those things she carried with her left. She finally understood that someone had always cared. For the first time in her life, she felt like she was up in the sky laying down on the clouds, free. But everyone who knows that things worth having are never easy to come by. She would soon be ripped away from God on a 5 year back slide that almost ended her life. Depression came back, anxiety came back, drug addiction, everything. Not only was it back but it so much more crippling. Some days were so bad, that she could not leave her bed or her room. The voice was back and louder than ever. “You left God, and He will never take you back.” “You are worse than you were before.” “Who would love you now?” Then one night after a long night of numbing her void, she decided that she no longer wanted this life. Her mind was made up. She gave up, not only on herself, but on any hope of getting better. While she laid in bed that night, system full of drugs, she cried out to God. She said she was sorry but she no longer wanted the life He gave her. And for the first time in 5 years, it wasn’t the same loud voice that spoke back, it was different. Calm and full of compassion. The voice come from deep inside and said “remember the relationship we had?” “Remember the peace you felt when you gave your heart to me?” “Come back to church, you will find me there.” Then memories filled her mind of all the things God had done for her. She decided that she will go and hopefully the voice wasn’t lying. Hopefully she would find God there. When she stepped into the church that day she was broken. Her soul was barely there. She sat in the back and she heard the Pastor say “how many of y’all know that this is your come back year?” “That God is going to restore everything that you lost.” After that day she left feeling hopeful and was ready to find her way back to God’s heart. 2 years later she remains with Him and Him with her. Not only did he restore everything she had lost, but He gave her back her life. Her desire to live. She was hearing a new voice now and it always reminds her that everything she went through was not in vain. He had redeemed her.
Thank the Lord for caring about me when I was just a little girl. He taught me that this world is going to fail me. People are going to fail me, but He would always come to help me just in time. My soul is not capable of being without His spirit and His presence. Glory be to God who seeks after the lost, and restores all that is broken.
Cynthia M. Benavides 