Lately, i catch myself asking God why He chose me? I ask Him what it is He sees in me. A lot of the time people think that i really have it all together. Some say that they are so proud of me, that they can see God’s hands on my life. Yes, all of these things are true, but at the same time each day is a struggle, and God is the only way i make it thru.
i can no longer count on myself to carry on. I’ve come to a point in my spiritual life, that God is the only thing keeping me going. Its no longer about me, but about my father in heaven who has a purpose bigger than myself. I’m almost too scared to let go of Christ, because I don’t think i would survive my old life again. I feel like the more i’m scared to go back, the harder i hold on to God.
one of my biggest challenges in my life was getting over things I could not control. it started as early as some of the first memories i ever had. Having to be separated from my mother at a young age, bad things happening my family members that scarred them and me for life. a broken family. my brothers in and out of prison. From a young age, i was hostage of my own mind. it was so bad at times that i locked myself in my room. i couldn’t leave the house because i couldn’t control the things around me. I was scared of death. it plagued my thoughts. I couldn’t even be in a room full of people (or any people for that matter) i would get so overwhelmed because i could not control what they thought or said about me. Anxiety and depression captured every part of my life. so it was no surprise that my mind was going to be one of the hardest things God was going to deliver me from.
This past week has been so hard. The enemy testing every inch of faith. Everyday harder than the last. So today, i locked my self in my room, fighting my mind. Talking to God, tears streaming down my face, telling him to take a good look at me. Asking him why would he choose me? Someone who at one point was so damaged.
I heard God talk to me, He said remember those days where you were locked in your room to scared to leave and face the world, like today? When you where drowning in your past? Do you remember how sick you were in your mind, that you could not even make it one day with out multiple anxiety attacks? You felt like you were dying. Remember that time you gave up on your life? You asked for help and i delivered you. Look how far i brought you… Because of me, your savior, you have freedom. All your pain is not in vain. You will spend your life giving me glory, because in your trials you have learned to hold on to me.
So i went to church to worship that Lord who delivers. The one who breaks bondages and strong holds. Who turns people’s mess in to messages and trials into triumph. I see all that God has done in my life. He saved me from myself, from my mind and from my old life. So no matter what you face in life, give it the Lord. He has taught me that its OK to not have control over things in life, because its not our life. He knows what he is doing. He is in control and he will bring you thru. Praise and glory to the Lord who saves. Amen.
” From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety”
Psalms 61:2
Cynthia M. Benavides 