My church starts at 2 pm, so as i sat there at 1:20 in the parking lot staring at the church i sat and asked the Lord. How Long Lord? How long am I going to be struggling against my flesh? How long Lord am I going to let you down? After all you’ve done, after all you have delivered me from, how long am I going to be like this? I cried out to God and said that i am not worthy to walk into his house and worship him because he doesn’t deserve to be worshiped by someone who hates the very life he gave.
Some people thank God for free will, but i feel as though i am cursed with it. Why Lord are you so generous and faithful that you would allow us this? I can’t wait for the day that I will not have a choice to worship the Lord, that i will be in heaven gratefully doing it. I can’t wait for the day the Lord lets me into his kingdom free of the choice to love and follow him, i just will. I cant wait for the day that I will just love and worship him without my flesh telling me that i cant or wont. I sat with God and told him that i am tired. I’m tired of being me. I’m tired of having free will to choose if i will serve him or not. Its not the storms that get me to low points…its not the world that holds me down, its me. How long Lord am I going to be standing in my way of the life that you promised me?
I’m not writing this for sympathy or pity, I’m writing this because I made a promise to God that if i write I will only speak truth. I want people to know that walking with Christ is such a hard walk…there is nothing easy about it. Its only worth it when you look back and see all the things the Lord has brought you thru, and all the things that will come to pass because he is faithful. And all the things he keeps continuing to bring you thru. Hes taught me how to recognize the world is evil. That life is going to be hard on those who love him, because the world hated him. He says to always remember that the world has hated him first. And to never worry because he has over come the world. I got off the car and went into worship him, because despite who i am he loves me. he gave my life a purpose and redeemed me. he loves me despite all i think and all that i am. And even on the days that i am so tired of how ungrateful i am, or how many times i let him down because i am human, he still sees me as wonderfully made. And as much as i hate myself, he loves everything about me. That’s why i love him, that’s why i worship him, that’s why i question him about how long am i going to be like this….that’s why i am tired. not because of the world, but because he is worthy of so much more than i can give him.
Such amazing grace that he saved me and remade and changed me into someone he can use. he gave me a new beginning. And for that I will walk into his house and worship Him, because nothing compares to his love and for all that he is. I love My God. My savior. My King, My deliver, My redeemer, My father. He is and will always be the only thing i like about myself. How Long Lord till I’m free of this life? My spirit wants nothing more than to be free of myself and be with you….