As the deer pants for water, I thirst for you Lord…. (Psalms 42)
I got to minister to the women at Freedom Life Church back in November. Two months leading up to ministering for my FIRST time, I got to go out and share my testimony three times through Touch of the King (which is the ministry my husband raps with) and before that I had only spoke in public one time when my Pastor asked me to share my testimony at our one year church anniversary. And I wrote it down and read it to the congregation! To be honest, I don’t even think I looked up off the paper. To put my fear of public speaking into perspective, when Divine Women’s Ministry kicked off and I had to share the vision the Lord had given me for the women at our church not only did I lock myself in the back bedroom, when I finally came out I cried the whole time! So you can imagine how the thought of actually ministering a word weighed on me. A testimony is one thing but a word! JUST TAKE ME NOW LORD!
So naturally I did what every other person does when they are overwhelmed (or should for that matter) I clinged hard to Jesus. Literally. I ate and breathed the word of God. I’m talking about hours and hours of worship, reading and listening to the word. Soaking it all in. I knew that I wouldn’t be capable of speaking unless God was giving me the most supernatural ability and strength to. By the time the event came around, I was over flowing. I had never felt a presence of peace while speaking like I did at that event. Even the atmosphere there felt different. So its understandable the amount of confusion I faced when you fast forward to four weeks after and I some how entered into a season of drought. How does someone go from over flow to empty?
That’s the only question I was able to ask the Holy Spirit. As I reflect on it now I understand that being spiritually dry, I wasn’t able to discern the voice of God as I had been able to in the past. So when I had got drawn to this song by Tori Kelly called Psalm 42, the Holy Spirit wasn’t ministering to me through worship music how He normally did. Nothing was. My heart was hardening. The weeks leading up to this season I saw the red flags. Like feeling spiritually numb. No desire to read worship or talk to God. (Ignoring conviction) I even lied to myself a few times saying that I could start reading anytime, I could worship anytime and I could talk to God at any moment. All those things were true except I had no desire to do them.
While I was in the sanctuary listening to my Pastor preach, he spoke the first word that watered my spirit. Something that caused me to reflect on my own spiritual state. He said, “why do we always expect God to fix what we break?” When I went to the altar and asked God what was happening to me, to show me what it was, I saw the words (in my spiritual eyes) clear as day. “DRY BONES.” Dry bones? What does that even mean? Well, as I prayed to the Holy Spirit for revelation, He spoke to me. You see, I needed God’s supernatural ability and strength to overcome my biggest fear, but after I received what I needed, I slowly stopped clinging on to Jesus and slowly loosen my grip. Slowly I went from 6-7 hours of worship, reading and prayer a day to nothing. At first, when I chose to do other things like watch a movie instead of worshiping or listening to a word, or watching make up tutorials on YouTube over reading the bible I felt convicted but I ignored it. That’s what lead to my heart hardening and the drought that was inevitable. That was “the thing” that I broke that I just expected God to fix.
Truth is my fear led me to over flow on quality time with the Lord. So I had motive. I believed that I needed to pour into myself only so that the women I lead will leave with something. Not because I need to pour into myself in general. I knew they needed to hear from God. But what I learned was I should over flow on Jesus regardless if I have to minister a word or just fellowship with other believers. We should be ready in and out of season. I’m not saying that you should be reading, praying and worshiping 6-7 hours a day, but we should always feed our spirit man and listen to our convictions. I repented OBVIOUSLY, and when I did, the Lord met me with His grace over this situation. We should never have a motive when it comes to receiving anything the Lord has for us. Unlike people, God’s gifts like mercy, grace and forgiveness or in my case His strength are free. We don’t need motives, we just need Him. We should thirst for God like a deer thirst for water. But not only should we get ourselves to a place that thirsts for Him, but to a place that actually drinks.
Stay hydrated. God bless.
Cynthia M. Benavides 