Do you want to know the question I get asked the most about my marriage? How did you do it? How did you get him to change? And after four years, you would think that these questions would be easier to answer by now. My Husband and I are going on four years of marriage in August. Nine years together in total. And to this day, there are still things I don’t like to think about. All people see now is the “redeemed marriage.” Only few have witnessed the broken part of it. The part where God had to intervene.
Before God delivered me from drug addiction and suicide four years ago, I had already been living in sin with Johnpaul for five whole years. We had two kids out of wedlock and lets be honest, we were both completely lost. I met him at the worst time in my life. I had just got cheated on by the guy I left Christ for, and lets not forget how completely hardened my heart was. I was so entangled in depression and drugs I couldn’t see top from bottom. Perfect time to jump into another relationship am I right? And don’t even get me started with all the demons he was dealing with. If you get familiar with my writing, you will see that I reference our marriage as “the perfect storm.” I say that because everything that I was bringing to our marriage and everything he was bringing created the perfect environment for chaos. Our foundation was built on lies and brokenness. And where was God? Definitely not in the center of it.
I was insecure, I was ashamed of my past and I didn’t know who I really was. He was unstable, short tempered and rebelled against God openly. I was a liar, I was manipulative and a control freak. He was selfish, immature and had no direction. TOGETHER we all of this and more! But to answer the question that I have been asked so much. How did I get him to change? That’s easy. I just realized that I was the one who needed to change. This might come as a shock to some, but we are not capable of changing others. It’s the grace of God that does that. You see, when I got to my breaking point and realized that my physical life was now depending on Christ, it had nothing to do with him. It was between me and God now. In the beginning, before I surrendered my life over to Christ, I made a vow that I would make it work with Johnpaul NO MATTER WHAT. So my mind was made up. If we went through hell, we were going through it together. But when it came down to letting go of that old life, Johnpaul was set on staying. So I had a choice to make. Was I going to follow Christ or Johnpaul? One guy already lead me astray, was I going to allow it again? And if he chooses to stay in sin, am I going to also?
When I went to that altar that day, God spoke to me. He showed me how we make our relationships a god. I loved Johnpaul. We had two kids together and been in a relationship for five years by this point. I was also scared of raising my kids up in a broken home. But God taught me two things that day. One is you can’t serve two masters (Matthew 6:24). And two, if God is not in your home, in your relationships, or in your life then its already broken. God has standard for EVERYTHING. Especially marriage! We can lie to ourselves and say that living with someone constitutes as marriage or even having kids changes it, but it doesn’t. You’re living out of the will of God and He won’t bless that. I didn’t go in to this covenant with Christ with my own conditions. If I go Lord will you save him? I was willing to walk away from everything. I made up my mind that I was going to follow Christ NO MATTER WHAT. Even if that meant Johnpaul would never be saved or we couldn’t stay together. Your relationship is not the reason to follow Christ. Maybe I can change him? You can’t. If you could, it would have been done by now. When we face God on judgement day we will be facing Him alone. So this is a personal relationship that you need to get right, or no other relationship in your life will be.
When I put Christ in the center of MY life, God worked everything else out. Praise God that He allowed Johnpaul to be saved or even allowed us to be in a marriage together. BUT even if He hadn’t allowed it, I would have followed Him regardless. I think that’s what made the difference. I was all in. A relationship, let a lone a marriage, can not work with out Christ. It says a cord of THREE is not easily broken. If you and your husband add up to two, who’s the third? It has to be God. So if this post has taught you anything, I pray it is to follow Christ without conditions. It’s not about what you get out of following Him, but what you have already gained. God Himself.
Cynthia M. Benavides 