You know the age old question…“if you could describe yourself in a few words, what would you say?” If someone would have asked me that in 2016 I would have said lost, but if they would ask me now, I would say highly self-aware and extremely reflective. I say that confidently because not only am I aware of the standard I’m trying to live up to, but also very aware of how short I fall compared to that standard.
When God started working on my character, one thing He humbled me with was my perfectionism. I tried to carry on this facade about myself, that everything was fine. Even when I dealt with the worst anxiety and depression of my life, no one knew the extent of it. Just the thought of people knowing that I couldn’t keep it all together, fueled this unrealistic pursuit of perfection. Why? Because perfect people don’t have problems. So, I fought myself. So much so, that I often seemed one step of way from pure madness. I tried to control every area of my life, before Christ intervened. I thought the more I achieved, the more normal I was and the more control I had. But my expectations were unachievable, making each day harder and harder to start. Which soon led to not being able to get out of bed or finish any task I started, because I knew that I wasn’t going to measure up to my own standard. Talk about crippling.
So how did God fix it? In two ways. One by allowing every area of my life to fall apart, so I would understand that I was never in control to begin with and two by revealing through His word how perfect He really is. When you read about Jesus and how He was the only perfect man that ever lived, and how imperfect and dirty we really are. It shifted my perception of perfectionism, and it got me thinking. If the bible says that no one is perfect only the father, then why do we continue to believe we can achieve perfection within ourselves? God is the only one capable of making old things new. He tells the waters how far they can come on land and tells the winds to be still. He named all the stars in heaven and knows every number of hairs placed on your head. He was so perfect that He was the only thing that could be sacrificed for our sin. The lamb with no blemish. And if you ask me, it serves me a great amount of comfort knowing that I no longer have to try to be perfect, because the one who is perfect covers me in any area I fall short. I always say its not about perfection, just progress.
Being self-aware and reflective was the way the enemy would trap me, but now its what God uses to keep me. God has allowed me to be aware of straying away from the faith or when my character is going against His word. It’s like a light now that always leads me back to Him. I’m thankful for His Holy Spirit. For the wisdom and knowledge it brings. But most importantly I’m thankful that He carries the weight of perfectionism, and I no longer have to. So, if I can encourage you in anyway, I hope its by the truth that you were not created to be perfect and will never be able to achieve it. But the one who is, loves you regardless of how short you fall. You may not be able to control the things you struggle with, but I guarantee you that Jesus Christ can. So let Him. He carries that weight so much easier than you ever could.
Cynthia M. Benavides 